Better Parenting Starts with Self-Caring
Failing at being a perfect parent is my favorite moment of parenting, one of which was unintentionally captured on video when my son videotaped himself during remote learning one day.
My second-grader was struggling with his assignment of understanding the concept of cause and effect. Having gone through many weeks of online learning, I was already at the end of the tattered remains of my rope. Additionally, as I could easily get trapped into believing that my child’s academic performance is a reflection of my parenting, I tend to get anxious when he struggles. “This part is the cause? Really? Are you serious?” My jaws clenched with exasperation at my son who wished this ordeal would be over soon.
When my son finally clicked the submit button on his iPad, he turned to me and gave me a hug. And he said, “That was a RAK!”
Mistakenly thinking that he said “wreck,” I laughed at myself. Yes! I was a total wreck. That was so tough!
But my son continued to explain, “Do you know what a RAK is? RAK stands for Random Act of Kindness.” Despite having to deal with my scornful criticisms, my son saw clearly that I needed support and kindness, which he generously gave.
Over many similar episodes of parenting failures, I’ve observed how these imperfect moments provide fertile opportunities for resilience building. We need failure to bounce back to build resilience. And through the process of reflecting and reconciling after a breakdown, we’ve honed our conflict resolution skills. Thus, we’ve become more and more like partners, calming and supporting each other during difficult times.
It hasn’t always been easy for me to accept that I am an imperfect parent, however. As a Psychology major, I take pride in being well acquainted with child development and psychology. From early on, I knew exactly how I want to parent. But in reality, it was hard to do what I knew I was supposed to do. How could I stay unruffled - calm and cool - when my kid went through a phase of screaming so loudly that my ears started ringing every night when he was three? In these moments I couldn’t help yelling at my child, “Enough!” and some expletives that fortunately my son didn’t pick up. Many parenting books present valuable tools, yet in the heat of the moment, we struggle to use them while we battle with anger, frustration, and despair.
Feeling ashamed and helpless after such episodes, I started learning about mindfulness at the Beijing Mindfulness Centre. I needed to learn to keep my cool so that I could be a better parent. During my first meditation session, I realized: I didn’t need to take better care of my son; I needed to take better care of myself.
Parenting classes have typically focused on what parents should do to help kids develop but not how parents should take care of themselves. Yet, in a recent groundbreaking study about early childhood, Vibrant and Healthy Kids, researchers included a new finding: the well-being of caregivers is critical for healthy child development (National Academies of Sciences, Engineering, and Medicine. Vibrant and Healthy Kids: Aligning Science, Practice, and Policy to Advance Health Equity. Washington, DC: The National Academies Press, 2019. https://doi.org/10.17226/25466). In other words, taking care of our own well-being is the most important gift we could give to our children. And here’s why:
Our Emotions Affect Our Children
Emotions are contagious. Like colds (and COVID), our children catch our emotions (and vice versa) because of mirror neurons in our brains. When we are stressed, our children unknowingly begin to feel stressed as well. This stress often hinders our ability to teach effectively and our children’s receptivity to learning. I recall that after a particularly stressful drum practice session with my son, he gave me this feedback, “You were coaching me, but you weren’t calm.”
In no way am I suggesting that we need to be happy all the time for our kids; we all have less-than-stellar times when we lose it. But it’s essential that we take care of our well-being so that we feel okay enough to share moments with our children where the good stuff happens - moments of tenderness, comfort, snuggles, and giggles - especially when they need it.
Heightened Awareness Boosts Our Ability to Keep Cool
By taking care of ourselves, we become more aware of our emotional states and stress levels. As a result, we develop the habit of taking pauses to check in with ourselves on how we feel and provide ourselves with what we need. For instance, since my son was small, whenever I need to be left alone to recharge, I would tell him I need space, and he’s learned to respect my need to take care of myself. Awareness is the key ingredient of self-regulation for ourselves and our children, and a simple moment of awareness can be enough to prevent us from yelling at a child.
Breaking Free from Parental Shame
Parenting is full of moments of uncomfortable feelings - feelings of anxiety, inadequacies, failure, etc. Our knee-jerk reaction might be to blame our kids for their “bad” behavior,” and we often fail to see the real reasons behind those actions. Or we might blame ourselves, which leads to feelings of shame and even more discomfort. We get sucked into a downward spiral of pain, further clouding our judgments. Responding to our parenting “failures” with kindness, or laughter, could help us break free from this negative cycle of shame and blame.
Connecting with Positivity & Joy
Relationship researchers, Dr. John and Julie Gottman, have found that healthy relationships have a “magic” ratio of 5 to 1. There are five positive feelings/interactions for every negative interaction/feeling. In other words, the positive experiences heavily outweigh the negative ones in healthy relationships.
Yet human beings naturally tend to pay more attention to negative experiences in our lives. The psychologist Rick Hanson explains the effects of this negativity bias this way: bad experiences stick to us like Velcro and good ones slide off like Teflon. To increase our happiness, we need to consciously appreciate the good things in our lives to balance this negativity bias tendency. Very quickly, we would begin to notice the many simple yet precious moments of joy in our parenting lives.
Joyful Parenting: 4-Session Course to Building Joyful & Resilient Relationships
Many parents worry that their own burdens have taken a toll on their child’s development. We feel guilty about our difficulty showing up for our children. But our child's (and our own) development is dynamic and adaptive, and the window for change never closes. There are always opportunities to reshape our relationship with our children and with ourselves, and each day brings new opportunities for connection and compassion. Besides, we don't need to be perfect parents to raise resilient children.
In September, I’ll be offering a 4-session online course in which we will explore tools and strategies from the latest research in neuroscience, resilience, child psychology, and mindfulness. Not only would we focus on self-care practices that reduce your stress and reactivity, but we will also do a deep dive into understanding our children’s body and mind interaction to customize your parenting so that you could enjoy a more harmonious and nurturing connection.
Interested in the 8-Week Mindful Self-Compassion Programs
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