What am I Longing to Hear Right Now
It’s been a month since Pearl left home. As I think of her, my heart shrivels, and I feel a clenching fist suffocating my chest. I fight with tears as worry eats my thoughts. It is hard to have a closure. Friends try to remind me how much we have done already - sleepless nights, roaming through the hutongs with her food, with a recording of the food filling up in her bowl, shyly calling her name and whistling so she can hear how much we love her.
At first, I believed our love was the only ingredient needed to help find her way back home. After a month of searching I realize the impact people around me have on my determination. Loss, failure, insecurity and such can easitly become present in anyone's life. What are the ingredients for keeping hope alive? Few days ago I saw a performance from the Missing People Choir, a British group made up of people with missing loved ones, alongside supporters of the charity Missing People [Wikipedia]. After their performance a 13 year old boy saw the show and contacted his parents. Some people have been searching for 20+ years.
“Hopeful people cannot just wish things into existence. Hope requires a person to take responsibility for their wants and desires and take action in working towards them. Optimistic people see the glass as half full, but hopeful people ask how they can fill the glass full.”
John Parsi, executive director of the Hope Center
What filled my glass full?
The community After announcing Pearl’s disappearance, the news spread like mushrooms after a rainy day. People were calling, we hired a pet detective, notified surrounding vet clinics, friends were gathering to put the posters with her photo up on hutong walls. Witnessing the support and encouragement from friends, neighbours and strangers who were calling us in the middle of the night to inform us about a white cat they saw crossing their path gave us a boost of adrenaline. We would get so energized that waking up in the middle of the night to search was more an adventure than a chore.
What emptied my glass?
Innocent remarks After a while, we became a bit more quiet and doubt started to settle in. Soon Julia and I become Two-Laowais-Looking-For-Cat and after telling them that we were still searching we would hear:
Why don’t you just get another cat?
Oh, she is probably dead by now…
Deal with it, if she ran away then you probably didn’t take good care of her…
Ouch!!
Anger, frustration, irritation, guilt, shame, judgment… emotional rollercoaster instead of the boost of andrenaline. It is hard to hold pain when others ask for closure and want us to move on. It is hard to hold other’s judgment and criticism as the inner Judge already does such a diligent and effortless guilt spell. It is hard to hold soft feelings gently, but we can learn how to do that. This is the gift of compassion, the ability to hold soft emotion like grief and loneliness, so it can transform guilt into patience and acceptance. And when others are not around to give us compassionate presence, then the best we can do is to give it to ourselves. Unconditionally. Daily. As if we were our own best friends.
If you are feeling lonely and don't have anyone to hear you out, below is a meditation How to Treat Yourself as a Best Friend. Perhaps self-compassion can provide nourishment you've been longing to have. Or you can join the community and get your glass filled with support and acceptance. Check out our calendar to learn more about upcoming regular events and workshops.
And if you know anyone who has news about Pearl, please let us know!
00:00
If you check in with your body what would bring the sense of comfort right now and you know crossing your legs putting your feet on the floor having your eyes open or eyes closed would you like to lie down... sit
00:34
face the computer or not. So notice how you're addressing all of these all of these choices
00:57
and notice how you can begin to make these choices with kind acknowledgment 'Ha, this feels good right now.' Knowing that you can change at any time
01:22
And just for a moment, imagine that in front of you you have a friend a dear friend, someone that you really deeply care for
01:45
And perhaps they're going through a phase in their life they're experiencing some suffering... things haven't been easy for them
02:04
so notice perhaps there there might be a few different friends that come up in your mind. So just for the purpose of practice now choose one person to to stay with right now
02:23
and imagine how they look like as they share their story
02:40
imagine the words that they're using, the voice you're hearing
02:54
They're sharing their life story. What might you tell them? Or how might you be with them?
03:20
What kind of words would you share so that your friend knows you really care for them.
03:38
So go ahead and let those words emerge for you
04:05
You might also just choose to be silent. Whatever feels right. And if you're a silent, how is your body language? How would you let your friend know that you really, truly care so that they are feeling safe with you.
04:55
And now just for a moment, like with a blink of an eye imagine that instead of your friend there is a mirror in you're actually seeing yourself
05:18
letting yourself hear your own story letting yourself hear your own difficulties and perhaps something that you're struggling with right now in your life
05:43
So what words might you offer to yourself as you're hearing about your own suffering?
05:50
If you're accepting these words with silence, what is your body language saying? How do you respond to yourself? Is your body language open? Or do you feel some tension? Notice how it is that you are being there with yourself. The words that you're offering in your presence. What could be similar and what is different to how you're relating to your friend, when your friend is sharing a story about difficulties?
07:19
And if you were your own best friend, what words might you want to hear?
07:35
How would you really want someone to be with you, sit with you?
08:00
Notice what will happen if you were to place your hand over your chest or your belly and offer yourself a soothing touch? Or perhaps even a hug. Embracing your forearms, arms or shoulders.
08:48
How would it be if you were to gently, softly, kindly acknowledge: Hey, it's hard what you're dealing with. This is the moment of suffering.
09:16
It's human to feel this way.
09:30
So many people would respond in a similar way or at least feel the difficulty if they were going through a similar situation.
09:52
Go ahead and notice what would be the words that you would really longed to hear and can you offer them to yourself right now?
10:10
Could you just for a moment be your best friend and let this soothing touch and kind acknowledgement of common humanity that you're having life experience
10:36
Just kindly offering that to yourself
10:53
And then finally asking yourself what might you need right now when it comes to dealing with this situation. Do you need support? Understanding? Perhaps just to be heard. Or maybe the need to feel safe. And could you gently begin to offer these words in the form of loving kindness just giving yourself a good wish: May I now feel safe and protected
11:54
May I now be healthy and strong
12:02
Or putting any words of any need that might be available for you right now: May I now understand myself. May now fully accept myself
12:22
And letting yourself experience how it is to offer kindness to yourself about this situation.
13:19
Being there with yourself. Being your best friend.
14:26
And then gently releasing the practice and giving yourself space to reflect. Come back to shifting of the of the awareness as well. Gently transitioning.
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